♥ Wednesday, July 26, 2006


7:00:00 PM Y


Post title : Friendship...such a difficult word

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

Friendship...such a difficult word

Numb to this word "Friendship"...numb to what they did to mii..maybe i am born to this fate, this is my destiny...i am not pessimistic..i am brave enuff to face the true fact. I am optimistic le..compared to those who cried when their friend betrayed them, i still can smile and laugh wif them...isn't this call optimistic? well maybe this is call "fake"..years passed, everytime i fake myself, ii will tend to forget the true self that i hab...well is this a good thing or bad thing? Dilema.. -.- haix...ii had been "trained" by them to become a emotionless person..no feeling..-.- tired really tired...this kind of friendship...they can smile with you and behind talk so mani stupid things about you...don you feel fed up? Well fine fine, ii don care at all...i had so mani things for them to talk about mii? Tell mi! I wan to noe! U can tell mii, if it's true, i will admit and change, but don ever said things behind ppl back..sometimes, not they don noe...is jux, they pretend nth happen..and wish that their friend wasnt the one who said that....which means..they don wish to face the fact that their friends backstab them...fine...haix...fine...really i feeling very very tired over this things, i feeling very stupid over this thing...cant you guys jux tell mii wad i do, that there is sooo mani things for uu guys to say? Friends..sometimes..they aren't trustworthy as you think they are...and this make mii hurtx..deeply hurtx..can you imagine...FRIENDS around you..turn up to be spy, hey that feeling, great ya? Wasn't it fun? Or was it childish??

Today same like Monday...i went home at 6 pm..sooo tired...imagine...you go to school at 7am...study until 1.55pm..in between 25 mins break...den from 2.45 to 3.45pm eng remedial..den 4.30 to 5.45pm evening class..actually is till 6.30...lucky the tcher still hab thoughts on we students..unlike the principal @#$%!# think we god mehx, pls lor, ask us strive hard for "O" lvl oso not like that de lor...he think we god arh, not tired de arh! DAM HIM! Den...in evening class...totally no mood to do the worksheet but lucky...i managed to focus..sianx..most qns don noe how to do..sadx..i almost cried out..thinking how useless i am...tired tired tired..ltr i gtg do bio..sianx FYS mux finish all the bio..still got one more worksheet....Zzz

lolx den during geography lesson..there is something stupid and blur thing i had done -.- sianx..lolx kkx this is wad happen -.- : today during geo lesson..tcher gave back the focused test we had done during racial harmony ( imagine..lolx racial harmony day..still got focused test after school..sianx) den onli a few passed i think..den tcher quite unhappy..lolx and the most eediot things is..i nv even study for the focused test and ii passed...ii was watching "the maid" in sooyah's hse b4 focused test with the rest of my friend..i jux applied wad ii had learnt in class..and wad i rmb..lucky passed..lolx den tcher say wan to do one worksheet and it seems like nobody took foolscap down, so i go up and took my foolscap and supply for others...and i heard one of my classmate calling mii..i tot he wan foolscap oso..so i jux go up and take my foolscap and when i came down...the guy's friends asked mii for tat guys pencil case..lolx den i sae.."huh?!" oh man...i didnt heard him said he wan his pencil case...maybe ii am thinking on some prob and nv take note..den i distribute to the rest of classmate hu nid foolscap..when i settle down..ii suddenly feel guilty to tat guy..and sorry for not taking his pencil case...den in order to repent my mistake ii go up and take again...-.- den in class the history tcher saw mii go up 2 times..ask mii whether i finished taking wad i wan anot...lolx oh man..dam paiseh lor...den ii faster took the guy's pouch and rush down...durin the journey form classroom to geo room...i open the pouch to see if the pencil case is inside..and dam...inside other den hard disk and wire...NO PENCIL CASE...alamak...den i was like...don noe wad to do...whether to go in to geo room...or go back classroom and take the pencil case...haix...almost wan to cry out..why today so blur....my mind only contained those troubled things tat it make mii...confused...haix...den no choice i had to admit..well ii am the one who took the wrong things...ii should say sorry to the guy..den go in geo room..i look at the guy..and say sorry...i gave him...den suddenly geo tcher ask mii to take the pouch i took from classroom to give her..oh man..i scared till death...i tot she gg to confiscate the hard disk...T.T den i sooo scared...if that is the case ii didnt help the guy to take the pencil case instead...got his hard disk confiscated...den i was nervous and got scolded by tcher...she asked mii..is the hard disk tat impt...god noes...i didnt noe it was a hard disk at the beginning when i took it...den lucky the guy...help mii to tell tcher is misunderstanding...actually i wan to help him take pencil case..but end up taking the hard disk...oh man...soooooo blurr and paisehhhhh lor -.- sianx...haix...thinking all those troubled things really make mii cant focused...-.-




♥ Tuesday, July 25, 2006


4:37:00 PM Y


Post title : what is friendship?

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

What Is Friendship??
Today went to school...feeling my head is as heavy as a tonnes and tonnes of stone...ytd nitex..some unhappiness happened btw my mum and mii... ii came home late...at 6pm like tat..den she suddenly showed mii "black face"..ii sianx half lor..however still act cheerful and don took what she showed to mii in heartx...
.this year..don noe wad happen..always quarrel wif her..last time wont like tat one lehx...den she suddenly like crazy like tat...don noe which eediot told her when i am outside i don wan to go home and see my mum and dad..and the funny things is...i nv said this sentence b4 lorx..how can she like tat...trust other more than her own daughter...i cried and cried...Zzz i suspect somebody! and it's not convenience to say her name out..this make mii start to lose trust in this word called Friendship...haix so tired
...den in the morning, i tot i was alright...but it doesn't seem so..i almost cried out in school...but lucky i able to control well...went to toilet and wash up my face..sianx found my table and shing table "disappear" den noe it is shifted to other classroom..i went to take it..den don noe wad happen to shing...she went to toilet wif teng for almost 1 lesson and more..den when she come back..i suddenly wan to cry again -.-
nvm...Zzz den is P.E. today 2.4 run ma -.- sianx..head is painx..but lucky i managed to pass..and the most eediot things is...i ran 1 more round ma...-.- i got 16.40 timing...sianx..actually can get 16.00 de...zzz wad the hell...ii headache den nvm take note how mani rounds i ran..dotx...but well it's fine..at least i passed and don nid to run anymore...if not i really scared of P.E -.- lazi to run ehx..




♥ Sunday, July 23, 2006


3:21:00 PM Y


Post title : It was fun!!

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

It Was Fun!!!
22nd of July 2006
Today went to City Hall with my friends...and before we went there...my friend helped mii to put up a make-up which is strange to mii..cos i nv put up make up b4 -.- lolx den went to chc with them...and had service and warm welcome from the rest of the members..the pastor had a meaningful talk on marriage wif us..and after the service..we went to bedok..the market there to eat..yum yum..lolx den bought some chicken wing for my mum , bro and sis to eat xD

23rd of July 2006
Today went to East Coast to cycle..lolx it was fun there...almost cycled to Changi Airport ma...lolx Quan Quan mama and papa...and of cos, my bro, jia yi and quan quan...oh man...cycle till my butt painx xD lolx fun journey..b4 we ride bic, we were putting the kite..it was my 1st time siax...so fun...after we cycle, we eat mac...den return the bike and go home..oh man...lolx we cycle and cycle..Zzz you imagine...everytime..when you sadx, angry, unhappy..you wanted to go east coast and shout to the sea...now uu are at east coast but you unable to shout out....Zzz but feeling beta...cos ii am away from the city for hrs..not so stress..but you imagine...we living at the city feeling tat going to east coast to shout bcos of stress would feel beta..den wad abt ppl living in east coast when they are stress?? What would they do?? Go to city? Vice versa? lolx well it's a difficult qns..ii will think about it...




♥ Thursday, July 13, 2006


7:36:00 PM Y


Post title : High Day

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

High Day
Today soooooo fun....hahax..after recess, during art lesson..oh man..my friend and i totally high!!!! like hell..keep laughing like an eediot -.- lolx...anw is a fun day today!!!
Today is the day, 'O' level chinese oral...OMG!!! hahax..well who wouldn't feel scared and nervous about it. And dam the topic come out is the topic i nv even take a look or even predict it will come out -.- argh..lolx den i tot i am going to fail terribly cos i didnt really say much -.- den i went home...Zzz sianx..i go straight to my room, not even looking at my mum and my bro, i went to take a bath and locked myself in the room doing my homework..
And yea today during recess, my friend and i went to look for that 4 gals who bully my sis..in the end things settle..cos there is some misunderstanding so the gal do this..lolx WTH, this 4 gals are jux showing on childish and ignorance they are. Well nvm things settle mean settle.
While i am doin my homework, my chinese teacher suddenly called my handphone..lolx den she asked me..easy? Den tok to her for a while..what she asked me on whether i got said this or that, mostly i got said..so i hope everything would be fine..hope i can pass >.<




♥ Wednesday, July 12, 2006


6:29:00 PM Y


Post title : WatcH ouT

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

wAtcH OuT!
Just went to my sis blog to take a look and saw wad my sis had been suffering in school this two days when i nv go to school. TMD that C`B gal in her class bully her mahx..kaox den she come home diam diam locked in the room nv sae, ask her wad happen she shout back say nth. WTF nobody knows until she willing to say or when i go to take a look at her blog. Dammit..she did told me this morning, but i didnt expect it to be tat worst! Tmr that 4 C`B fcuking gal is going to get it from mi. They will see! How crazy i am, when they bully my sis, anw it is my last year in that school, no big deal.

I really cannot take it on how unfair my mum and my dad is! My bro scold vulgar they diam diam and is that fcuking eediot wrong! Then i scold back, they scold me! WTF is this? And now my friend, you telling me guys suffer!? LOL joke! From my situation wad kind of suffer did my bro get?! Sometimes suddenly like gone crazy like tat anyhow beat me, he doesnt seem to be a GOOD bro to me. NO WAY! Kaox , so what he is good, jux one or two times in lifetime la. Sometimes i even got the possibility of being beaten dead! BY HIM!

Then he at there keep askin me to turn off the computer..wtf..i juz play lor! He take his time to count into my time and said the computer already on very long le! I JUZ PLAY OK! Den he at thr KPKB..den my friend, you should know, if it wasnt my wrong i will say back de ma. Then he slapped my face, kaox, painx de lor, den i scold him vulgar den my mum slapped me -.-

WAD KIND OF FAMILY IS THIS!? I SHOUT BACK DEN MY MUM SLAPPED MY FACE AGAIN. DEN I VERY DULAN..NEAR INSANE..I SAID, KILL ME, SLAPPED ME TO DEATH, I DON CARE ABOUT THIS KIND OF LIFE I AM HAVING, BEING BORN IN THIS WORLD TO ME IS A MISTAKE! I SHOULDNT HAB BORN IN TIS WORLD! THINKING WAD I AM SUFFERING SINCE I WAS A KID, I SHOULDNT HAB BORN IN THIS WORLD, DEN I WONT BE SO SUFFERING UNTIL NOW. DEN MY MUM SAY DON USE DIE TO THREATEN HER, DEN I SAID, SLAPPED ME TILL I DIE LA, BEAT ME TILL I DIE, I DON CARE ABOUT THIS KIND OF FCUKIN LIFE! DEN MY MUM SAY WAN DIE GO DIE LA! DEN I STAND UP FROM THE CHAIR AND DASH TO GO OUTSIDE I WISH I COULD JUX JUMP DOWN FROM THE BUILDING, REALLY JUX JUMP DOWN, MY LIFE END, I WONT BE SUFFERING! DEN MY MUM HOLD ME AND DEN MY MUM STRANGLE ME, I WAS THINKING AT TAT TIME..YA STRANGLE ME TILL I DIE, I WISH I DIE. DEN MY MUM SLAP ME AGAIN. NVM, SHE DON KILL ME, I GOT WAY TO DIE! JUST WAIT! ONE DAY I WILL BE ON THE ROAD OR DOWN THE BUILDING! JUZ WAIT!




♥ Monday, July 10, 2006


6:57:00 PM Y


Post title : again??

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

Again??
Today nv go to school..lolx i think my form tcher will get angry again asking why i always nv go to school.
But today is different...zzz ytd nitex..i start vomiting what i ate, dam.. it was suffering. Then i tot i got vomit medicine at hme cos i last time got food poisoning like what i wrote in the previous previous post..but i start to vomit again after i ate the medicine at abt 7pm + den i really cannot take it , i ate the medicine again at 10pm + ..Zzz and i vomit again! Kaox..why so suay lehx?? Den this morning, my dad, mum and bro accompany me to see doctor..oso go to the food court near the clinic to eat breakfast. Zzz w8 and w8..so long. finally is moii turn. Doctor took my temperature..lolx got high fever. Doctor said i got food poisoning!!! Again!!?? lolx den he said..however..if the pain at my colic and stomach doesnt get beta, muz go back to see him immediately cos..i got a chance of getting "mang chang yan" lolx..2nd time tio food poisoning -.- den the doctor gib mi two days mc..he said within this 2 days, if i got painx badly mux go back see him.




♥ Saturday, July 08, 2006


11:03:00 AM Y


Post title : After rain there will be rainbow. Issit true?

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

After rain there will be rainbow. Issit true?
After rain(obstacles), there will be rainbow. Issit true? Maybe...but don ever forget the exist of the rainbow cos there is really rainbow in this world. 7 colours- red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.
My grandma suddenly good to be, smile to me, tok to mii, i was surprise but happy. Grandma wont be around at my hse for 2-3 weeks. Suddenly had a strange feeling. Suddenly miss her ehx -.- she going to have an operation on her eyes..cos there is something wrong with her eyes.
Last Tuesday i think..i did not went to school. I don noe why..suddenly had a despised feeling about going to school. Feeling stress i think. lolx den i told my mum i don wan to go. In the end..i use my own money go see doctor jux to buy a MC!! Actually not don wan to go...is jux.feeling headache. After seeing the doctor, and doctor give mi a medicine to let my feel relax. haix
Man, it had been decade since i said and keep asking my mum " why am i a girl?" "why you gib birth to mi as a girl?" oh man..how i wish i can be a guy! Zzz girl is born to suffer! Gals have to suffer every month for particularly 5 days! Have to suffer the painx at first when doin sexual intercourse. Have to suffer the pain when giving birth to a child. And wad a guy do? Jux accompany by the gal side. But do you tink accompany by gals side who lighten her painx? No! In the end, SOME heartless guy would dump the gal bcos she is not good. Forgeting all the pain a girl suffer for him. And this kind of guys are called " Dam Fucker"
Though guys is suffering too, eg, being a breadwinner to the family..but hey, this kind of thing, as a gal oso can do! Gals oso can survive without guys. Since that is the case, y is gal suffering more than a guy?? Isn't this unfair?
Anw thanks for all the comforting msg! Thanks my friend ^^ i am fine now!




♥ Sunday, July 02, 2006


4:42:00 PM Y


Post title : Tired Siaz

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

Tired Siaz
1st of July 2006
Today was a tiring dae..lolx we ( Sardine, Ah ker, my bro, my sis and i ) went to play bball..zzz it's been decade since i play bball..lolx but it was fun..Long time nv play bball wif them le. Den it was tiss funny thing -.- on the 1st match i got hit by the ball on my left eye..den on 3rd match i got hit by the ball on my right eye...think is to balance it bahx..lolx den during the match i always got surrounded and push down..bcos they wan to snatch the ball..lolx all violent..i mean sardine, ah ker and my sis. Diaox..anw today match i always got hit la..sooo suay de. Den my balls always gt snatch away by ah ker bcos of his long hand and leg..-.- always blocked mi when i wan to shoot, bcos 1st is his height..so tall...zzz or shld i sae i am short? lolx anw great game we had!

2nd of June 2006
Today went to jp..actually wan to go buy the naruto forehead protector but in the end i didnt buy it..bcos cannot find T_T den my sis and i wif quan quan walk around jp..omg..i nv found tat taking care of a kid while shopping is such a tiring job >.<>




♥ Saturday, July 01, 2006


12:38:00 AM Y


Post title : Do you understand my painx?

♥ I don't know if i did the right thing

Do you understand my painx?
This few day..everything doesn't seem right to me. Everything had changed...change ....I am totally stressed out..my temper is getting from bad to worst..ii cant tolerate things that is minor nowadays..i had changed..ppl around mi had changed. I realise if i were to keep everything in heartx i going to get berserk or insane. This few day keeping everything..my sorrow..my anger..all things crampled in my heartx..i m suffering and therefore..dear diary..i going to write out all my thought in tis post! Whether or not i offend uu, i got to say, i am really very sorry..
I am sadx tis few dae..firstly is my grandma..she had the rights to scold me BUT is when i had done something wrong..with no reason..got scolded..who would feel good? Nobody..Don scold me when u did not get things clear. If i did something wrong, u scold me, i don mind, but if you don make things clear and scold me..i don like, i hate, i wan to shout out my stand..but i cant..no matter wad..she is elderly..i shldnt be rude..i really cant take it! I don like ppl to misunderstand me! I don like ppl to care so much abt me or i would wan ppl to care more abt me. But so wad u ask me " how are you?" or " what happen to you?" ..if i tell you..is everything bad that happen in my life going to change to something good? NO! It's jux wasting my time. You may sae...sae out..you will feel beta..all rubbish..to me..it wont help..not a single bit tat i feeling beta after i sae out..not a single bit.
Stressed in school work..all things i cant cope wif..the subject i weak in..i may not express that out..i always told my mum and dad..i am stress..really..but wad is their ans? " you don look stress..still can play computer..where got stress " From surface, my family maybe cheerful..people are envy..but they don noe..inner side of my family..thou sometimes my grandma make me angry, my mum and dad will console me..they are understanding parent..i am happy..at least somebody understand..but other than that..sometimes..i found it hard to communicate wif them..i told them truth, they giv me the ans..disappoint me. Stress cant play computer? So i shld act like a nerd toking to myself then they noe i am stressed and going insane?? Is this the way they wan? I laugh and smile too much..sometimes they think i am joking..but they forget..i had my serious self..i told them b4..no use..so wasting my saliva onli.
Everybody had their own problem..i really wan some care and concern thou i may look strong in my outer self..I really wish some care from my friends. I am sadx..really..my friend doesn't care or take note of me..especially my best friend. I noe..they have their own problem...i don had high hope..they would show concern to me. I found myself useless..really useless...i am so useless..so untrustable that my friend don tell me their problem or secret..i really wish my best friend would depend more on me..i am so sadx and disappointed..when i saw her telling others her problem..rather den me.
I am useless person so wad and why am i born in tis world. I found myself like a hindrance to anybody. I born wif scar on my eye when i was 1 year old. I hate, hate the world to be so unfair when ppl ask mi, wad happen to ur eye..why issit different from others. I hate my life to be so unlucky...i am born to be betrayed by friend? To get scolding of vixen because of some misunderstanding? I really wan to noe..y am i born in tis world...if there is god..plz gib me an ans. I suddenly found my life to be so useless..i don hab any potential. You had told me..the past is the past..let bygone be bygone..forget and strive on..time doesnt wait. Yea i noe wad you mean..i am trying to forget..but the scar in my heartx not going to be erase! It's easy to say! BUT it is hard to do. SO i shld tell you guys, stop wasting ur saliva on those comfort that doesnt work at all! I trying to forget and tat's y i am trying to make myself look cheerful and don let ppl hu care for me to worry for me!
My hand is still in pain..who would notice there is a scar on my hand...3 days ago..my grandma..scold me again..tat time..i really almost cant control of myself..that i wan to beat..her...lucky i control myself and i went to my bro bedroom where there is a sandbag hanging..i beat the sandbag until my hand started bleeding...Suddenly realise..why there are so mani ppl hurting themselves when they are angry..because at least hurting themselves can ease the anger and painx they suffer from.. Today...before i went to focuse test..my grandma again...i really cant stand it..and before i step out of the hse..i told my mum this " If this is going to continue for month..i goin to move out of the hse, if not i going to go insane. I going to be like tiff! Someday!" Friends reading tis shld noe wad i am toking abt..and i walked to school..hitting things that appear before my eyes..lamp post..walls..anything...i suddenly found that..i really going to be insane..and that is why..been so mani days i nv update..i going to update now. Update and don keep everything in my heartx..if not i really going to be in mental hospital. Don ever ask me " how are you?" I really don noe wad to ans..i am fine? no not fine at all..i wan to shout..shout out all my grieve!!!