♥ Saturday, July 01, 2006
12:38:00 AM Y
Post title : Do you understand my painx?
♥ I don't know if i did the right thing
Do you understand my painx?
This few day..everything doesn't seem right to me. Everything had changed...change ....I am totally stressed out..my temper is getting from bad to worst..ii cant tolerate things that is minor nowadays..i had changed..ppl around mi had changed. I realise if i were to keep everything in heartx i going to get berserk or insane. This few day keeping everything..my sorrow..my anger..all things crampled in my heartx..i m suffering and therefore..dear diary..i going to write out all my thought in tis post! Whether or not i offend uu, i got to say, i am really very sorry..
I am sadx tis few dae..firstly is my grandma..she had the rights to scold me BUT is when i had done something wrong..with no reason..got scolded..who would feel good? Nobody..Don scold me when u did not get things clear. If i did something wrong, u scold me, i don mind, but if you don make things clear and scold me..i don like, i hate, i wan to shout out my stand..but i cant..no matter wad..she is elderly..i shldnt be rude..i really cant take it! I don like ppl to misunderstand me! I don like ppl to care so much abt me or i would wan ppl to care more abt me. But so wad u ask me " how are you?" or " what happen to you?" ..if i tell you..is everything bad that happen in my life going to change to something good? NO! It's jux wasting my time. You may sae...sae out..you will feel beta..all rubbish..to me..it wont help..not a single bit tat i feeling beta after i sae out..not a single bit.
Stressed in school work..all things i cant cope wif..the subject i weak in..i may not express that out..i always told my mum and dad..i am stress..really..but wad is their ans? " you don look stress..still can play computer..where got stress " From surface, my family maybe cheerful..people are envy..but they don noe..inner side of my family..thou sometimes my grandma make me angry, my mum and dad will console me..they are understanding parent..i am happy..at least somebody understand..but other than that..sometimes..i found it hard to communicate wif them..i told them truth, they giv me the ans..disappoint me. Stress cant play computer? So i shld act like a nerd toking to myself then they noe i am stressed and going insane?? Is this the way they wan? I laugh and smile too much..sometimes they think i am joking..but they forget..i had my serious self..i told them b4..no use..so wasting my saliva onli.
Everybody had their own problem..i really wan some care and concern thou i may look strong in my outer self..I really wish some care from my friends. I am sadx..really..my friend doesn't care or take note of me..especially my best friend. I noe..they have their own problem...i don had high hope..they would show concern to me. I found myself useless..really useless...i am so useless..so untrustable that my friend don tell me their problem or secret..i really wish my best friend would depend more on me..i am so sadx and disappointed..when i saw her telling others her problem..rather den me.
I am useless person so wad and why am i born in tis world. I found myself like a hindrance to anybody. I born wif scar on my eye when i was 1 year old. I hate, hate the world to be so unfair when ppl ask mi, wad happen to ur eye..why issit different from others. I hate my life to be so unlucky...i am born to be betrayed by friend? To get scolding of vixen because of some misunderstanding? I really wan to noe..y am i born in tis world...if there is god..plz gib me an ans. I suddenly found my life to be so useless..i don hab any potential. You had told me..the past is the past..let bygone be bygone..forget and strive on..time doesnt wait. Yea i noe wad you mean..i am trying to forget..but the scar in my heartx not going to be erase! It's easy to say! BUT it is hard to do. SO i shld tell you guys, stop wasting ur saliva on those comfort that doesnt work at all! I trying to forget and tat's y i am trying to make myself look cheerful and don let ppl hu care for me to worry for me!
My hand is still in pain..who would notice there is a scar on my hand...3 days ago..my grandma..scold me again..tat time..i really almost cant control of myself..that i wan to beat..her...lucky i control myself and i went to my bro bedroom where there is a sandbag hanging..i beat the sandbag until my hand started bleeding...Suddenly realise..why there are so mani ppl hurting themselves when they are angry..because at least hurting themselves can ease the anger and painx they suffer from.. Today...before i went to focuse test..my grandma again...i really cant stand it..and before i step out of the hse..i told my mum this " If this is going to continue for month..i goin to move out of the hse, if not i going to go insane. I going to be like tiff! Someday!" Friends reading tis shld noe wad i am toking abt..and i walked to school..hitting things that appear before my eyes..lamp post..walls..anything...i suddenly found that..i really going to be insane..and that is why..been so mani days i nv update..i going to update now. Update and don keep everything in my heartx..if not i really going to be in mental hospital. Don ever ask me " how are you?" I really don noe wad to ans..i am fine? no not fine at all..i wan to shout..shout out all my grieve!!!
